It’s been three months since I’ve last posted here. I'm at a nail salon getting a pedicure as I type this into an email. My due date is today, labor hasn't started yet, and I feel nervous about the whole thing but I think it'll be okay.
The other day I rewatched Joe Budden's interview with Nicki Minaj from March 2022. I’m not sure why I decided to rewatch, I think I had forgotten I had seen it before, but I’m glad I did because I got some encouragement that I needed to hear. At some point Nicki mentioned that she was unable to do any writing while she was pregnant, any time she tried to write a rap it just ended up being really corny. It was only when she was settled into motherhood and it came time to do "Seeing Green" with Drake and Lil Wayne that her creative inspiration returned.
Aside from one two-hour spurt in which I was finally able to open and work on a document I have not given any attention to in almost a year, I haven’t been doing any writing recently. In that extended moment, it felt good to concentrate and put some effort into the thing I think about almost constantly, but the impulse to try that again has not resurfaced. I've been tired. Like, really really tired. Not only am I trying to wrap up a bunch of stuff at work before taking off three months of parental leave, but I'm growing a human life inside of me. I'm freaking exhausted, man.
I spend so much time at my computer as it is, the thought of sitting at my desk for longer than I have to has not been appealing at all. When I'm not working I'm trying to make sure I'm getting some exercise and spending time outside improving my Pokedex.
That’s my new thing: playing Pokemon Go. I like to tell people this as if it’s some sort of amusing anecdote. The response I most commonly hear is, “Is that game still around?” I’ve made that joke myself, in years past while out with a friend who asked if we could stop for a second so they could catch a Wartortle. It’s surprising, but it is still around, and the community around it seem pretty devoted with various subreddits and discord servers dedicated to the topic where folks can share tips and invite each other to raids to catch legendary Pokemon. It’s a fun way to pass time, and it’s been getting me out of the house and walking around when I probably wouldn’t otherwise. I’ve also been spending way less time on social media. If I look at my phone, it’s to check if there are any nearby Pokemon and send gifts to my friends in the game. Social media stirs up my anxiety, but Pokemon Go relaxes me.
My last day at work was Friday. I'm hoping that I might feel more artistically generative after giving birth. That probably sounds crazy and I'm sure I have no idea what I'm about to experience in terms of sleepless nights and having even less time for myself once I'm responsible for keeping my infant child alive and healthy, but I do feel hopeful that things will be different in terms of creative output. Maybe taking time away from being in front of my laptop and trading late night Slack pings with late night diaper changes somehow some way inspiration will strike.