unstucking myself

anything I've ever accomplished has been the result of me messing around and believing in myself

I feel like I want a writing mentor. Maybe I don’t need one.

I'm going to keep writing this novel and keep working on new short stories and poems but I just feel like I'm stuck, like I’m still operating on the same level. Is there another level I need to get to? Is there a barrier in my way that I'm having trouble passing through? Maybe this is as far as it goes for me, but maybe I’m just not doing things the right way or if there is no right way maybe I just keep doing things the wrong way?

I love taking Colleen's poetry workshop, and I feel silly for being resistant to trying workshops for so long. I plan on joining another workshop after this one ends because I really like the structure. I like the push it gives me to create something new and the guidance and encouragement that comes from sharing my work. Is that all I need to do? Just keep taking workshops?

About eight years ago I started thinking about applying to MFA programs, as it seemed like the logical next step in developing my writing career and my craft. I stopped thinking about it so much after friends and other writers kept telling me that I didn't need an MFA, as if through publishing several books on small presses I already had all the tools that I needed. I'm not sure if that was necessarily good advice, and I'm not sure why I believed it without further investigation.

Eight years ago I was perfectly positioned to just pick up and pursue that kind of continuing education: I wasn't doing shit, I had no real ties to anything, and I had a dead end shit job. At this point, now that I have a serious career and the real responsibilities that come with it, I do not think it would be reasonable to just pick up and move somewhere random, nor would I have the time needed to dedicate myself to school. A couple writing associates suggested low res MFA programs, so that’s something for me to consider and look further into.

What do I know? I really don't know much at all. Anything I've ever accomplished has been the result of me just messing around and believing in myself, sticking my nose in places where it didn't belong and trying to do things I was not qualified or prepared for. Maybe I just need to stay with that method. It’s been working so far. I can better prepare myself and continue my education on my own, so long as I believe in myself.

Years ago, another writer who does not like me told me that I have a bad reputation. I don't know if that's true, or if it is true I don’t know how far that reputation has spread, but I remember it whenever I come down on myself. I certainly don't feel powerful or popular, but I also don't feel like I'm hated or blacklisted.

I think that I have created worthy written works and I can continue to do so if I just keep at it. I don't want to sell myself short or sell my writing short by not handling it with the care it deserves. I do feel defeated at times when it seems like something I spent a lot of time on isn't getting traction, or keeps getting rejected, or whatever, but I try to fight that feeling and keep at it.

I've been working on this novel for the past four or five years. It's changed a lot since I first started drafting it. I really hope to finish it soon, because I’m excited about it and I want to share it with the world, but I also want to take my time with it and make it as good on paper as it reads in my head. I don't know if other people will think it is good or worthy, but I'm hoping that I can find someone who sees value in it. I really do not want to sell myself short.

I don't know if having a writing mentor will change anything, but I think it would be nice to talk to someone who's been through a lot and can offer perspective. Maybe I just need to give Amy a call, lol.