Thoughts from 3 years ago
I love looking at my email drafts (where I store ideas these days) and seeing how differently I think now
I wanna know why my cat bites my face, if he's doing it because he loves me and thinks I'm a cat, or because he's overstimulated and wants me to stop petting him and thinks I'm a cat.
I wanna know what cats think about all day. I think cats have thoughts. I think Paulie thought if he brought his toy over to me while I was laying in bed that maybe I would use it to play with him.
I wanna know how to just be chill and stop being such a weirdo. Or how to stop feeling like a weirdo when I'm not doing anything weird at all, like how to relax and just enjoy myself and not be so much in my head.
I wanna know how other people do it. I wanna know what other people tell themselves so that they don't constantly feel like screaming because they fucked something up again. I wanna know how people can just laugh at themselves. I wanna know how people just do things right the first time so they don't have to scramble and make quick fixes. I wanna know how people stay organized and do the things they say they will do in a timely way so they're not perpetually late for all their appointments they set with themselves, not like doctors' appointments, but how they have goals and they know what their goals are in the first place and they know what they have to do to complete them on time.
I wanna know why I get so wound up and can't enjoy things. I wanna know how to enjoy things. Sometimes I think I enjoyed things when I was still drinking, like I was able to be casual and fun with other people without all the self consciousness, but I don't know if I was actually enjoying myself or if I just turned part of my brain off. Can you even enjoy things if you don't remember them later?