It's 2020 so Trish and I filmed a vlog at Taco Bell
"There’s just nothing better than a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell. And I’ve been to Mexico."
If no one’s ever told you that they feel like they have to walk around on eggshells with you, then you’re probably not someone I would ever give a fuck about. Our personalities may clash and there might be a limit to how close we can become or how long we can stand to be around each other, but I’ll be drawn to you regardless. And if my history’s any indicator, the feeling will be mutual. Our connection will be short lived, passionate, and eventually explosive.
Speaking of explosive, I got a text from Trish at 5pm. "Are we still going to Taco Bell later?"
I gazed up into my phone's screen from my relaxed position, tucked in under bedding I haven't washed in at least four weeks.
I scratched my belly and typed, "What time do you want to meet?"
We met a few months ago. I moved to Los Angeles last year with the hope of integrating myself into the vlogging community, and Trish was the first person who really welcomed me and asked me to collab.
LA is where the magic happens, and if you’re regularly filming and uploading you have a better chance of someone noticing and wanting to work with you.
When I was still living in the midwest, I was making short instructional videos about casting different spells and performing spiritual rituals. My channel had a modest number of subscribers back then, friends and some internet people I knew from my Livejournal days who were supportive and left mostly encouraging comments. It wasn’t until I posted my protection spell video for Britney Spears during the height of the “Free Britney” movement that I started getting any real attention. It took a few months, but one day I woke up and noticed a spike in views. One gossip site shared it, then it started making the rounds on social media. Even Rolling Stone eventually included a link to my video in one of their deep dives on Britney’s conservatorship. My subscriber count did a hockey stick. That’s when I started making more protective spell videos for celebrities, and decided to move to Hollywood to be closer to them.
Trish found out about me after I made a banishment spell video for David Dobrik. I’ve never liked his energy, and through following the various tea channel callout videos regarding the racist and questionable content Dobrik created over the years and the bad behavior he’s exhibited and encouraged within the Vlog Squad, casting a banishment spell felt like the right thing to do. It also got me a ton of views, and because I bleeped out the words Youtube filters for I was able to make some money on it. Trish saw the video and reached out to me about meeting up. They told me they liked my witchy vibe.
My phone buzzed. "Give me twenty minutes and I'll pick you up."
I rolled out of my messy nest. I have so many ideas for new videos, but I’ve been struggling with my projects recently. I can blame quarantine, but this happens sporadically in my life. It’s depression, or maybe it’s an executive functioning disorder that I’m too lazy to get an official diagnosis for. I feel myself sinking and can stay sunk for weeks, wearing the same gray sweatsuit, ordering delivery from fast food chains, laying in bed watching reruns of a TV series I’ve seen several times already.
I forced my body out of my pheromone-drenched sweatshirt and thought of what Trish had said once in a video: Sometimes you just have to take a shower, get dressed, and put on some makeup, and it’ll motivate you to start your day. Easy enough to say, easy enough to do once randomly when you can just snap yourself out of it, but doing regularly is something to try for but not necessarily expect. I mean, look at me. I’m just getting out of bed in time for the golden hour.
The steam from the shower and salt scrub I rubbed all over my body changed my mood entirely. Restorative, truly. I was excited to get out of my apartment and be with the world. I’d accompanied Trish on one of their drive-thru mukbangs before so I knew what to expect, plus I like being on camera. Trish texted me as I was finishing adhering my false eyelashes, “I’m outside bich, in the pink.” I waved a hand in front of the eyelash as if to dry it quicker and texted them back with my other hand, “I’ll be right out,” then grabbed my trusty Barbara Walker tarot deck in the hope of giving Trish a reading.
Standing in the street wearing a Gucci print face mask, Trish held a camera and leaned on a ridiculously large pink truck double parked in front of my building. “What do you think,” Trish said. “Wow. This thing is like a boat,” I said, admiring its largeness. “It’s a Rolls Royce. I don’t usually buy myself new cars, but the last few months have been pretty rough, you know, and I deserve it. It makes me so happy, let’s get in and you can feel the seats, it’s like the softest leather.”
Pantomiming a chauffeur, they opened the door for me and said, “Yay, I’m so excited.” I was excited too, and before stepping in I said a quick blessing for all who enter the vehicle. As soon as they got in the driver seat, the narration began. The camera with the suction-cup bottoms stuck to the dash was already recording. Showtime. Suddenly camera conscious, I adjusted a curl and smoothed it behind my ear. The topic of conversation started with the menu items set to be discontinued. Determined to be a good co-host, I piped up to mourn the loss of the potato. “I’m gonna have to order about 5 spicy potato tacos before they’re gone forever,” I said. “That’s right, all the potatoes are going away, that’s gotta be pretty bad for the vegans. I think a lot of vegans get potatoes as a substitution for meat. Now their only choice is what, beans?” Trish said. “You’re a Taco Bell influencer, Trish. Maybe you can get them to change their mind, or maybe add a vegan meat,” I said. “Yeah, Taco Bell, we should have a chat,” Trish winked at the camera and then nodded their head to show they were being serious.
We approached the Taco Bell drive-thru, but Trish was nervous about getting their new car through the maze around the store. “I think it’s too big for the drive-thru! I’m not sure I can make that turn,” Trish said. “I have the utmost confidence in your driving capability, plus I just blessed the vehicle,” I said. Trish looked over at me and took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “Okay, I got this, I got this,” they said, and pulled into the drive-thru with both hands on the wheel, stopping at the big menu to order. “Let’s just randomly pick stuff.” They rolled down their window and ordered about $30 worth of food for the two of us. After paying for the order and posing for a photo the cashier asked if they could take for her Instagram, we rolled the Rolls to the far side of the parking lot to eat. “Let’s get in the back, there’s more room, and pull-out dining trays,” Trish said.
Trish remounted their camera, and I pulled out my camera and said, “I’m going to film also.” Smiling like a game show host, Trish opened the bag, “All right, what do we have here? This is your burrito, I think,” they said, handing me the burrito. Trish took a sip of their Baja Blast Freeze and sorted out the rest of the order. The spicy potato soft taco was the only thing I really wanted, but I resolved to get some other things for the sake of the mukbang. In addition to four spicy potato soft tacos, I got a bean burrito and chips with guacamole. I was hungry, but I wanted to wait until Trisha started eating.
To occupy some time and fill the dead air, Barbara Walker came out of my backpack and I started shuffling. “How about I do a reading for you while we eat,” I said. “Oh my god, I would love that,” Trish said. “But first you have to try this cheese.” They handed me a small bag of chips and a small container of warm cheese. “I’m a cheese connoisseur and this is some good cheese,” Trish said. I dipped a chip in the cheese and took a bite. It tasted like the cheese from Kraft Mac and Cheese, but with the tangy zest of a Nacho Cheesier Dorito. “Pretty good, reminds me of summer camp,” I said and finished shuffling the deck, then instructed Trish to shuffle and cut the deck three times while visualizing what question they wanted answered. I didn’t want to ask them to state their intention on camera, knowing that if they wanted to say it out loud they would. “Visualize it, and focus on it, and choose three cards,” I said, then turned to the camera and said, “We’re just gonna do a quick three-card past present and future reading.”
Trish pulled the cards, placed them between us on the seat. They unwrapped their chicken quesadilla and took a bite of an end piece. “The end pieces are the best. I love them. It’s got a good shape, it’s compact. I eat it like pizza. There’s just nothing better than a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell. And I’ve been to Mexico. Should I turn the first one over?” Trisha flipped the first card, their past. The ten of wands, a tyrant looking over a nude figure suspended in a torture pit. “Ooh, this is kinda dark,” Trish said. “Yeah, this deck really invites you to dig deep, it’s not for the squeamish but I figured you would be up for a challenge,” I said. “I’m always down for that,” Trish laughed, then looked back at their camera as if to stare back at any viewer second-guessing them.
“This card is about power, corruption, and injustice,” I said. “This could mean there was selfishness,” I said, continuing, “or a misuse of power and one party led to the downfall of another...” Trish gasped and withdrew the straw from their mouth, then looked back at their camera. “This is giving me the chills,” they said, looking back at me, “You’re like really answering the question I asked in my mind. Keep going.” I dipped another chip into the cheese and took a bite. “This could also be someone letting go of their burden, and tens are all about the end of a cycle, so that’s good, this is something that’s been concluded. But that doesn’t mean that cycle won’t pick back up, and it doesn’t mean it will, either.”
“Okay, I’m gonna try this thing, this Doritos Locos Tacos. Am I eating this wrong? People always tell me I eat tacos wrong,” they said, taking a bite from the top of the taco, and not from the side the way you see most people eat a hard shell taco. “There’s no wrong way to eat a taco, you’re just doing it your way,” I said. “Are you ready to flip the next card?” Trish licked the orange dust from their fingers and acrylic nails, then flipped the middle card. Salvation, the ten of cups, another conclusion, a man looking down at the golden road and dark woods ahead of him, faerie at his side pointing up at the distant castle on top of a tall mountain. “This is a cool card,” Trish says, picking up the card and presenting it to their camera. “This is finding salvation through love, through devotion. This is accomplishing what looks impossible with stability and cohesion, coming to the reward at the end of a journey,” I said. Trish let out a loud “Hmmmmmm,” and tapped their index finger on their chin. I unwrapped another taco and ate it, looking first at Trisha’s camera then back at my camera while lifting my eyebrows for a dramatic effect.
With a sip of their Baja Blast Freeze, Trish flipped the third card, the future. Grace, the three of cups, three women in a clearing of a forest, the three graces, admiring one another and dancing in a circle, each with a cup held above their head. “This is one of my favorite cards,” I said, and imagined Trish and I as the graces on the card, admiring each other’s work and helping each other. “This is sisterhood, friendship, collaboration, making and appreciating beautiful things. This is having a party and enjoying the company of friends. It feels like a hopeful card. Who knows when we’ll be able to go to parties again?”
“I know some people who are partying right now, and not being safe, like not even getting tested. And then they’re hitting me up trying to film with me for my OnlyFans, that’s OnlyTrish.com, subscribe now for only $3 a month. They don’t know that I’m watching their stories on Instagram, doing my homework. I’m just like ew, no.” I laugh. Trish’s comedic timing is spot on, the way they can seamlessly weave a commercial for their OnlyFans content into a rant about people being irresponsible during the pandemic is pure art. “I liked this reading a lot, it’s given me a lot to think about,” Trish said with that Midwestern politeness I’m all too familiar with. I think they really did like the reading, though.
We finished the food and drove back to Trish’s place to lay out by the pool under twinkle lights. As they painted my toenails with a purple glitter polish I wondered what their query for the reading was. Romance? Career? Vlog squad trauma? I decided not to pry.
Note: I wrote this in 2020 before Frenemies was a thing and before Insider ran that article exposing David Dobrik and the vlog squad for literally orchestrating and filming a date rape. I had sent this piece to Taco Bell Quarterly in the hope they would publish it but it took about a year for them to reject it, and in that time Trisha Paytas became mainstream popular and months later publicly scorned by her ex-co-host Ethan Klein. Anyway, it’s weird the coincidence of writing about a banishment spell on Dobrik coincided with an actual cancellation and I wish this piece had run before that happened so I could have been like, wow look how I predicted this. Hope you enjoyed this short fiction. Thanks for reading.