I have to stop calling myself stupid
"if you keep telling yourself that you're going to eventually believe it"
I remember being a kid and getting in trouble for saying “shut up.”
My best friend at school would say “shut up” all the time to the kids she thought were weird or annoying, to the teacher under her breath, to me. It made me feel bad when she would tell me to shut up, but I never said anything about it. Eventually I picked it up. Of course. I thought it was cool, thought it was something the cool kids say. If the cool kids on TV shows said it, it was good enough for me. It’s funny to look back at my childhood experiences and realize how my interactions were influenced by what I saw characters do on sitcoms, but that’s another story for another day.
What I want to talk about (talk about it, hey) right now is the time I told my little sister to shut up. One of my parents overheard me and told me, “If you say shut up to her enough she will be afraid to talk.” I can’t accurately describe the shame and disappointment in myself that I felt after being told how negatively impactful my words could be. I didn’t want to hurt my sister. I didn’t think that I was doing that. I was trying to be cool, like my best friend at school.
That statement cut and stayed with me, but only recently did I think to apply it to myself. I don’t think I even made that connection on my own, it probably happened in therapy.
I do it too often. I’ll say something in a meeting but then after speaking for a moment I start to feel self conscious and I cut myself off and say sorry, or I trail off and say sorry. I preface questions with “Sorry if this is a dumb question..” and I apologize for making my presence known. I suffer greatly from imposter syndrome. Despite anything I’ve ever achieved, I feel like I don’t deserve it. When I win something, or do something well, I don’t savor the moment. I don’t even register applause when I receive it. If someone admires me I feel like I’ve tricked them. If only they knew how stupid I am.
From a perspective outside of my neurotic brain: I’m not stupid. I’m not unworthy. I’m not a failure. I’m not perfect, I’m human, and I need to stop putting myself down so much. I wouldn’t talk this way about a friend or someone I care about, so why do I talk this way about myself? What drives my impulse to lower myself in front of others, to act dumb? I guess I know the answer to that, it’s a defense mechanism I picked up in school. At some point in my early development I reasoned that if I made fun of myself or presented myself as a goofy character then I was in on the joke and I would be less of a target for the other kids to deride. It was a deflection, but I started to believe it.
Calling myself stupid and lowering others’ expectations of me wasn’t good for my self esteem in grade school and it’s not good for it now. I’m not a clown, I’m not some silly side character pushed into situations for comic relief. I can be funny when I want to, but I shouldn’t do it at my own expense.
I am trying to be kinder to myself. I need to be kinder to myself. I am writing about it because it’s a blocker in my life. Putting myself down is self sabotage and I want to get out of my own way so I can get back to making things I feel good about again.
I’m writing a novel. It’s taking some time. I know I can finish it and I believe that when I start working on it again I will feel good about it.
This was a good piece, it made me think. It's funny how as children we imitate others like it makes us better automatically when usually the reverse is true. After reading this I remembered being at a lunchtable at preschool with some kids and this boy named Charlie said he liked cartoons. These other two girls at the table started laughing and said that cartoons were for babies. I started saying it too even though I loved cartoons and watched them constantly. He said I acted differently around them. I remember saying 'this is how I act around them' and then immediately regretting it.
I feel like it's easy to internalize those things as well. Being around people who thoughtlessly repeat things and accepting them unfiltered into your psyche. We have to be careful. We are always listening to ourselves and absorbing everything, good or bad.
Well said. Must respect yourself first.