I cut this from my work in progress

Posting here for posterity because I like it but it doesn't belong anywhere

Floating, being nothing, being less. No accountability, no bodily autonomy. Let someone else decide. As an experiment, as surrender, as suffer, as giving up because it seems easy at the time. Because she wants to feel something.

She realizes her arms are crossed in a social situation and consciously lets them drop to her sides. Wanting to be vulnerable, wanting but not willing to expose too much. The desire to be careful overwhelmed by the desire to be careless. Thinking that this doesn’t really matter now, it can always be fixed later. Feeling unprepared but it’s just another way to kill time. Having no idea what she’s gotten herself into, and none of it seems plausible, which only makes her further doubt her own reliability as witness.

She could belong in this space. She doesn't, and she knows it, but she doesn't want to let that detract from how she feels in this moment, or any moment when she is here and making believe. In her fantasy she lives here like she's always lived here, and no one notices or tells her to leave. If she stays put and acts casual then she can make this feeling her rightful home. Stays daydreaming inside of this feeling. She dusts and vacuums and puts secrets in their rightful homes. 

In this house, in this escape, she feels new. She belongs in this role as much as she says she does. All her little traumas pocketed away for later. No one has to know so long as she follows his lead. She has created this space as much as he did. Maybe she was desperate to create a space like this, and he could tell. How long will it go on?