As I approach my due date, I feel more and more aware of all the time I wasted recently and in my not too distant past not reading and not writing. To combat this guilt of time not well spent, I am trying to get as much reading and writing done as I possibly can before I go into labor.
Writing includes emails I’ve been avoiding, poems I’ve been formulating in my head, posts on this here Substack (notice how I’ve done like four of these in the past month, after months (?) of neglecting to update), querying the agents and presses on my list about the novel I’m trying to get published, responding to text messages as well as sending out text messages to friends I’ve been meaning to catch up with, and continuing the interior work of outlining my next novel.
When it comes to reading, I’ve been going at it voraciously. I have a bunch of books on my to-read list and sitting on my bedside table, so whenever I get a spare moment I reach for one of those instead of picking up my phone and expecting it to entertain me.
With a new baby, and a toddler to boot, I fear I won’t have much time to myself in the coming months, so I’m trying to make the most of what I have now. Being extremely sleep deprived is not a great condition to do my best work in. I’m sure I’ll be able to eke out some scant writing, perhaps using naptimes and late night feeding sessions to jot down ideas or fragments of dreams, and later use stroller walks as a chance to do voice to text poems on my phone.
What does it mean to have a writing career?
Do you need to make money from your writing in order to have a writing career? Do you need publish articles that “go viral” before you can be taken seriously? Do you need to get published in highbrow magazines and journals? And if so, are people actually reading these magazines and journals? I’m sure these outlets are well read, but a cynical part of me believes they persist simply for the bylines they confer.
In your opinion, what does it mean to have a writing career? I posed this question on Facebook and most of the responses mentioned making money from writing, though a few friends spoke of writing being the major motivator in life, the continuous thread throughout one’s existence. I resonate with that.
I have made very little money as a writer. Would that make me a hobbyist, even though I consider it my calling and spend all of my free (and most of my not-free) time thinking about writing? I remember when I first started sharing my poetry online, back in 2012 or so, and noticing the tendency many others had when sharing their own work to claim that they wouldn’t call themselves “a writer,” as if in order to call yourself a writer certain criteria needed to be met aside from the act of writing itself. I’m not sure if this tendency was done out of some false modesty or something similar (because it read that way to me) or if people actually do believe that before you can call yourself a writer, you need to do more than just write.
For those of us pursuing our passion to create and share our beautiful and harrowing strings of words, the act of writing may be enough. Not everyone is in it for the fame and the bookoo bucks. I’ve felt like a real writer ever since I realized it was the one thing I really liked doing and was relatively good at, the one thing I’ve been doing for most of my life without fully knowing why. So as long as I’m writing and making things, I am following what I feel is my calling. I think that’s all I need.
However! It would be amazing to find recognition in my work, to gain the approval and admiration of my peers. I think all of us, even if we do not admit it outwardly, wish for these things at some level. It may not be the driving force but it’s in us somewhere. Or maybe not. You tell me.
During this brief window I have before labor begins, I have also been reading a lot of other peoples Substacks about the publishing industry. This post by
kind of shook me.In my experience, most writers aren’t realistic or ready to confront how very real a barrier lack of author platform is when it comes to getting traditionally published. The publishing industry sets a high bar when it comes to expectations on this front. They want you to have lots of followers, to be actively engaged on various social sites, to have previously published work (either books that show sales or online essays or stories that are published on prestigious or well-read sites).
I know that the market is as competitive as it is fickle, and that the chances of making money even if you do find an agent and a publishing deal are pretty slim, but seeing it spelled out like this gave me some pause, and put me in a spin cycle of questions and uncertainties.
Like, is it even worth it to put myself through this query process? Could my time be better spent seeking out a small press? Would a reputable small press even have me? Should I just self-publish? Should I just focus my energy on the next project and forget about publishing all together? I really don’t even enjoy scrolling social media so much anymore, and I don’t think my time is well spent working to broaden my audience on platforms I’ve mostly abandoned. But maybe I should just suck it up and come up with jokes within my niche to post on Twitter and Bluesky in order to get a bigger following? How do I even figure out what my niche is?
My only solution here is to keep reading, and writing, and trying. It’s all I know how to do. And maybe start talking to more writers who have been down similar paths and have experience they don’t mind sharing with me. All hope is not lost, if I strive to remain hopeful.
Another post gave me a needed dose of reality. In this post,
writes about the publishing industry and the hype machine built around it to sustain and glaze up its new releases. Except now, for some reason, it’s not really working. Publishers and PR teams are doing their best to get the word out about their latest offerings, yet they’re barely making a splash. All this is casting even more doubt on my current pursuit of major press success.Of course the vast majority of us will never inherit the position we seek. Every week I meet young writers working on their first book. Often they’ve been in McSweeney’s or The Missouri Review or Best American, they’ve won the Stegner or Steinbeck, they’ve gone to Iowa or McDowell. They think they’re anointed. They think agents will fight over their manuscript.
Most of them are wrong, and I think increasingly they’re coming to realize that.
And the more the hype machine fails, the harder it is to imagine yourself as a much-hyped author. If someone can have their debut story in the New Yorker, sell their book for a quarter million, and have their book disappear on arrival (I’m not talking about Levy, I’m talking about another friend of mine), then what hope do the rest of us have? And if the hype machine is failing, why read much-hyped books? Why invest in this system anymore, if the rewards prove illusory even for the ostensible ‘winners’?
As a person who is less a member of the literati and more of a curious onlooker, this is all fascinating to me. I had a feeling that the system, like all systems seem to be, might be rigged. But to hear the system is not even functioning to serve the players as it was meant to serve makes hoping for a big five deal feel all the more daunting. I also just got a rejection from an agent I was super hopeful would enjoy my book, and I feel really bummed about it. But maybe it doesn’t matter?
I think the pandemmy changed a lot of things, and perhaps publishing and hype-machining is one of them. Because I don’t spend that much time on social media (as I said above), and because my circle of friends and literary colleagues are indie adjacent instead of mainstream, I really have no idea what is trending at all ever. I only heard about Miranda July’s book All Fours because a friend of mine who reads a ton loaned it to me, after reading it because her cousin recommended it, but apparently the book was super hyped. Goes to show how much I know.
Next up in book club
Speaking of All Fours, we’re still in the chat talking about it, so no matter where you’re at in that book please feel free to chime in. February’s book for Talk About It Literary Fiction Book Club (happening right here on Substack in my chat, open to all who subscribe to Talk About It) will be The Maniac by Benjamin Labatut. Just in case you want to start reading now, or need to check your local library for a copy. It’s available on audiobook so I’ll probably be reading (listening) to it that way.
I know I’m not the first mom to write.
There is nothing special or precious about the state I will soon find myself in. I’ve done it before, so I know it can be done. There may not be a perfect balance where I find that I have enough energy and wonderment to work on any given project, but I have faith that the energy and wonderment will return at some point once a new routine is established.
It’s hard having an infant, and it’s hard having a toddler, but I have grown accustomed to our current routine and try to use the spare moments when I can sit down and write to my best advantage. It’s not a lot, but I’m used to it, and it’s working somewhat. Audiobooks help. Scheduling time to write helps. Having a mom who lives down the street and is usually happy to babysit helps. Using walks in the stroller as a chance to catch up on emails and use voice-to-text to jot down new ideas for stories or fragments of poems or whatever I have on my mind helps.
The other day, my daughter decided she wanted to sit in the bathtub for an hour and play with her toys. It was fine, because it meant that I could sit on the toilet seat beside her and do some light reading while she splashed around and “made coffee” with the bubbly water.
I’ve proven I can do it. I think I’m just scared. I will be okay though. And hearing other people who have done it and are doing it makes me feel more empowered. So if you want to share, I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments.
I think that’s all for now. I’m going into labor as I type this (I started this post on Sunday, and today is Tuesday, so it’s been a bit since I first started worrying) and will probably send this letter out without too much proofing. Sorry in advance for any typos or weird sentences. I hope you’re having a good day, and I’ll see you on the other side!
As a fellow toddler mom and writer, I related so much to this. I really enjoy reading your Substack, and I hope you'll get that book deal soon. Best of luck with your labor! <3
So proud to be your Aunt! Thoroughly enjoyed reading your post! Waiting to hear any news!