DON'T DOWNLOAD A BOYFRIEND FROM THE DARK WEB AT 3 A.M.

"You wouldn’t download a car…" Except actually, you probably would if you could.

Jaystation with the satanic Sonic he downloaded by playing Sonic.exe at 3 A.M.

Just a short post to say I have some new fiction up on Maudlin House today called DON'T DOWNLOAD A BOYFRIEND FROM THE DARK WEB AT 3 A.M.

There are no real life meet cutes anymore. You either flip through endless options on dating apps, get lonely enough to take a chance on one of your orbiters, or hop onto the onion router if you’re like me and download a partner.

Please give it a read and let me know what you think. The piece was originally a series of tweets that I posted over the span of 90 minutes while sitting in an Uber stuck in traffic on the Bay Bridge trying to get back to the East Bay from San Francisco. I had a bag full of Soulva takeout (two chicken kale salads, one with no oranges and two sides of fries) that I was bringing home to eat with Adrian after spending the afternoon running errands and going to a dentist appointment in the city and for some reason I thought it would be more convenient to hop in a rideshare than get on public transit. I was wrong, of course, it was rush hour and the freeways were clogged and as my fries got colder I became more and more annoyed with the billboards all around me.

I made this joke at the April Fools reading, back when I performed this piece for the first time, but you probably weren’t there and I think it’s a good joke so I’m posting it here. It’s funny how the billboards are reflections of the culture of the cities in which they’re posted. In Los Angeles, all the billboards advertise new movies and TV shows and auto accident lawyers, in San Francisco the billboards showcase Apple products and software management solutions, and in Philly all the billboards are reminders to wear a condom and warnings about drug-resistant gonorrhea.